She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
