I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
