I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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