I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
