I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
