:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
