I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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