Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
