Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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