Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
