The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
my poor anus
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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