the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
