Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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