The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize