How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
