New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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