She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
