you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize