Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
