I feel like abortions should bother me more
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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