i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
