Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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