So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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