sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
