Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
