I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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