people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
