Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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