so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
