You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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