I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
