I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
