went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
