i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
