Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
