I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The Olympian is in my bed
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
