Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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