if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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