At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
