Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
NoShamevember. You game?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
