someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
