I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
