i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
