It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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