woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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