After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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