I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
