Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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