While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
