My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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