Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
