I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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