i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
