Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
