I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
