Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
