I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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