if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
