...so i touched it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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