It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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