Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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