Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
